I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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