So drunk its hurt
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
i used baking grease as lip gloss
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
