Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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