my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize