no, he came in my armpit
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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