I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Randomize
