I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
