The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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