I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
