To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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