so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Randomize
