I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
I faked an abortion last night.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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