I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
