I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
