I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
He better not be in your backpack
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Randomize
