Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
