I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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