I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize