she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
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