he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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