Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I DEMAND FORESKIN
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
