happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I could make wine with my vomit
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
