I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Randomize