Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
