every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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