WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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