she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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