I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
