I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
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