Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
