i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
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