I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Randomize
