I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
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