I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
