I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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