I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
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