Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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