I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
