I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
