apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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