He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Randomize
