i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
