My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
The air taste purple.
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