I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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