remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Randomize
