just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
