I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Randomize
