mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Randomize
