I wish life had little blips of pornography
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
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