Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Randomize
