I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Randomize
