My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Randomize
