I'm gonna have a badass scar
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
The beer is more important than you right now.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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