my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
she woke up with a sticky ear
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
