It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
