3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
