she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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