Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
