Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
