i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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