I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
