I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Randomize
